Where to Start

There is so much to tell about my journey.  It's almost overwhelming going back to the very beginning and finding a way to share.  I will in time...my own time.  I am fresh off the my third miscarriage.  A pregnancy that I just thought would actually happen and end up to be our "take home baby."  The moment I found out my husband and I were expecting, on Easter I just knew this would be the baby we would meet.  I went the next day to get my HCG and Progesterone levels checked, as this has been a common practice for me each time I get those 2 pink lines.  My numbers were outstanding, the best they have ever been, even better my Dr. told me I could decide if I wanted them retested in 48 hours, but it wouldn't really matter as things were great.

Fast forward a week, I saw the awful red blood that I constantly feared.  That moment I knew it was over, that moment I screamed, I punched the wall, and wailed on the phone as I was telling my husband.  It was a Sunday, I could have called my Dr. but I know what I would be told, "rest and if you are going to miscarry, there is nothing that can be done."  I tried to cling on to some hope, but I had been through this 2 previous times, hope was shattered.  The following day I called my Dr. who happened to be out of town which led to another mess and inconsistencies that gave me hope that I should have never allowed to happen.

As the bleeding and clotting continued, I was told I needed to get my levels rechecked.  I went in for the 2nd blood draw, to find out my numbers were on the high side of the normal range.  This was good but it really didn't matter until I knew where I was 48 hours later.  The bleeding and clotting increased and I called my Dr. the next day.  I was instructed to go in for a 3rd blood draw immediately.  I got the results that evening, as I argued with the receptionist who thought I should be calm and patient until the following day.  I wanted to know what was happening, I wanted to know that moment!  What person really thinks it's okay to tell someone, "I'm sorry, no one will read your results, if you call back tomorrow we can tell you if you are miscarrying or not."  Anyway I got my results that day, my levels had decreased which is an impending sign that miscarriage will happen.

"What the hell happened?" is all I could think.  Everything was good and normal.  Normal, wow that isn't something I had heard for a long while.  And just like that happiness, hopes, and dreams were ripped away for a 3rd time.  A week later, I still have not accepted it and find my brain wandering in all sorts of directions.  I cannot focus on daily activities, I cannot focus on conversations with others, I cannot go a day without bursting in tears, I cannot stop thinking what would it be like if I beat the crap out of someone, and can I please just crawl in to a hole and hide.

I don't know where to go from here...but I do know I have to share my journey.