Insomnia

I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.  Sure there are nights when I am dead tired and I just hit the bed and I'm fast asleep.  But every morning I wake up feeling exhausted.  It doesn't matter if I've had 4 hours of sleep or 10 hours.  Sometimes I think I will escape the sadness and worry in my sleep, but that doesn't happen either.  My dreams are filled with babies, miscarriage, pregnancy, and even taking pregnancy tests.  The trying to conceive journey never shuts off.

I think it's really hard to take care of yourself while you are dealing with infertility and loss.  You become so wrapped up in the process that you forget it includes two people.  Sometimes I look at my husband in pure jealousy and he is in a wonderful slumber and I'm tossing and turning wondering if that cramp could mean I'm pregnant.  I take several supplements and have found taking them at night are the easiest way to avoid not so serious side effects.  I dread heading to bed because that means swallowing at least 15 pills.  It may not sound like a lot but it gets old. 

Insomnia gets old...I often try to remind myself that if I do get a rainbow baby my body will be ready to operate on minimal hours of sleep.  I've been doing this for at least a year and half now and continue to rise in the morning and go to work and function.  Some days (and nights) are worse than others.  I have found lately I just become preoccupied (on purpose) to avoid sleep.  I think the recent dreams I've had make the process of healing even harder. 

So if you know me in real life and have noticed the bags under my eyes, I hope you'll at least offer me some cucumbers to make myself look less like a hot mess.  I'm going to attempt sleep now, if it doesn't happen I'll be back!