My Secret Life

On the outside I look like a happy individual, without a care in the world.  I plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend all is well.  I have noticed 9 times of 10 this hurts me more than it helps me.  I get so angry at people for just dismissing my loss.  It's my own fault really, I want to appear strong, I want to appear as the badass who conquered loss.  So if I play the part others will think I am okay.

In reality, I'm a mess on the inside.  I spend my nights surrounded by online support groups on the internet, researching miscarriage, trying to find inspiration for hope to continue, and my mind if full of trying to conceive, examining symptoms, avoiding hurtful comments and situations, and hiding pregnant women on Facebook. 

My close family and my true friends know the real me though.  They see the pain in my eyes and hear the crack in my voice when the word baby enters a conversation.  Often I am upset that some people are so naive and really think I am okay.  Some people have even used my loss to their advantage.  An example of this is, "I know you really want children and you are so happy when you are around little ones, so we will let you do this and that with our little one to make you feel better."  Okay, none of them say this but it has been implied.  I scream on the inside, "I don't want your child, I want my own," and "why don't you get off your ass and take care of your child?"  On the outside I smile sweetly and do what I can to help. 

Pregnant people really make my skin crawl right now.  This has been festering for awhile now, but after 3 losses I am strong enough to say it out loud.  Maybe not out loud but at least write it in my blog.  I don't want one more baby shower invite!  When these arrive, they sit in unopened envelopes or buried in my junk drawer.  I barely ever open them, this goes for baby announcements too.  When I'm browsing Pinterest and see someone is pinning baby stuff an alarm goes off in my head, preparing myself that in 8-12 weeks there will be a pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  And oh Facebook how I sometimes loathe you.  When I see a pregnancy Facebook announcement it feels like I was in a drive by shooting.  The moment I see that, I hide that person from my newsfeed.  It may sound just plain cruel to many if you haven't experienced this, but trust me this is how I get through day to day.  You tell me how I should I feel, not knowing what I am going through.  I will never forget the anger and rage I felt, as I am miscarrying my third baby, when I get a text from someone announcing their pregnancy.  Really?  I had so many things I wanted to say to that person at that moment.  Instead, I ignored it.  I ignore a lot of things these days and have become really withdrawn in many situations.  Unfortunately, I must fake it well, because people barely notice and think I really want to talk to them about their pregnancies.

I know I am not alone in this secret life.  I know several women who battle these same things daily.  To each of you with your secret life, I commend you for not violently hurting someone!