Insomnia

I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.  Sure there are nights when I am dead tired and I just hit the bed and I'm fast asleep.  But every morning I wake up feeling exhausted.  It doesn't matter if I've had 4 hours of sleep or 10 hours.  Sometimes I think I will escape the sadness and worry in my sleep, but that doesn't happen either.  My dreams are filled with babies, miscarriage, pregnancy, and even taking pregnancy tests.  The trying to conceive journey never shuts off.

I think it's really hard to take care of yourself while you are dealing with infertility and loss.  You become so wrapped up in the process that you forget it includes two people.  Sometimes I look at my husband in pure jealousy and he is in a wonderful slumber and I'm tossing and turning wondering if that cramp could mean I'm pregnant.  I take several supplements and have found taking them at night are the easiest way to avoid not so serious side effects.  I dread heading to bed because that means swallowing at least 15 pills.  It may not sound like a lot but it gets old. 

Insomnia gets old...I often try to remind myself that if I do get a rainbow baby my body will be ready to operate on minimal hours of sleep.  I've been doing this for at least a year and half now and continue to rise in the morning and go to work and function.  Some days (and nights) are worse than others.  I have found lately I just become preoccupied (on purpose) to avoid sleep.  I think the recent dreams I've had make the process of healing even harder. 

So if you know me in real life and have noticed the bags under my eyes, I hope you'll at least offer me some cucumbers to make myself look less like a hot mess.  I'm going to attempt sleep now, if it doesn't happen I'll be back!

My Secret Life

On the outside I look like a happy individual, without a care in the world.  I plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend all is well.  I have noticed 9 times of 10 this hurts me more than it helps me.  I get so angry at people for just dismissing my loss.  It's my own fault really, I want to appear strong, I want to appear as the badass who conquered loss.  So if I play the part others will think I am okay.

In reality, I'm a mess on the inside.  I spend my nights surrounded by online support groups on the internet, researching miscarriage, trying to find inspiration for hope to continue, and my mind if full of trying to conceive, examining symptoms, avoiding hurtful comments and situations, and hiding pregnant women on Facebook. 

My close family and my true friends know the real me though.  They see the pain in my eyes and hear the crack in my voice when the word baby enters a conversation.  Often I am upset that some people are so naive and really think I am okay.  Some people have even used my loss to their advantage.  An example of this is, "I know you really want children and you are so happy when you are around little ones, so we will let you do this and that with our little one to make you feel better."  Okay, none of them say this but it has been implied.  I scream on the inside, "I don't want your child, I want my own," and "why don't you get off your ass and take care of your child?"  On the outside I smile sweetly and do what I can to help. 

Pregnant people really make my skin crawl right now.  This has been festering for awhile now, but after 3 losses I am strong enough to say it out loud.  Maybe not out loud but at least write it in my blog.  I don't want one more baby shower invite!  When these arrive, they sit in unopened envelopes or buried in my junk drawer.  I barely ever open them, this goes for baby announcements too.  When I'm browsing Pinterest and see someone is pinning baby stuff an alarm goes off in my head, preparing myself that in 8-12 weeks there will be a pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  And oh Facebook how I sometimes loathe you.  When I see a pregnancy Facebook announcement it feels like I was in a drive by shooting.  The moment I see that, I hide that person from my newsfeed.  It may sound just plain cruel to many if you haven't experienced this, but trust me this is how I get through day to day.  You tell me how I should I feel, not knowing what I am going through.  I will never forget the anger and rage I felt, as I am miscarrying my third baby, when I get a text from someone announcing their pregnancy.  Really?  I had so many things I wanted to say to that person at that moment.  Instead, I ignored it.  I ignore a lot of things these days and have become really withdrawn in many situations.  Unfortunately, I must fake it well, because people barely notice and think I really want to talk to them about their pregnancies.

I know I am not alone in this secret life.  I know several women who battle these same things daily.  To each of you with your secret life, I commend you for not violently hurting someone! 

Blood Drawn

Well I did it!  I conquered my fear and had the chromosome testing done.  I feel slightly proud of myself for actually going in and doing it.  I had put it off for several weeks, just hoping that it would happen for us.  But of course it didn't...

So as big as my Dr. made this test sound, it really was nothing more than a poke in the arm and one vial of blood.  I was expecting way more, especially with it costing $1000.  Past tests have been way more detailed, like 12 vials of blood at a shot.  I won't have results for 2 weeks, which hey add another item to the wait of this all. 

As I mentioned before, I am beyond terrified of what the results may be.  I have even stopped Googling chromosome abnormalities because in all honesty it scared the living shit out of me.  I feel like I'm a crossroads just waiting for one wrong move that will send this dream of having a family toppling over the edge.  Besides the miscarriages, this is the lowest I have felt for awhile.  I think it's because of the fear of the unknown.  One thing on this test could mean we may never have a child of our own.  I can't believe I'm too this point, I thought it would happen by now. 

Chromosome Testing

Tomorrow I will be tested to see if my eggs have any chromosome abnormalities.  I am very nervous and fearful that this test will show something terrible.  Something so terrible that maybe we won't be able to have a healthy child.  I have been trying to avoid this, however, after another failed cycle, I must go forth.

It takes around 2 weeks for the results.  This may be one of the worst waits throughout this whole journey.  How do you prepare yourself for this, or for the results?  I can't help but prepare myself for the worst.  I think that is something I've been doing for the past year and a half.  I always prepare myself for the worst and have little to no expectations because of what could be.  Unfortunately, it feels that 9 times out of 10 I end up with the worst possible situation. It's hard living life this way. 

I wonder how many other people on this earth live life this way.  It's depressing just to think about.  When will these fears subside and I can turn away from the worst case scenario?  I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon.  If you are the praying type, I ask for prayers of peace and comfort and the same for others going through this journey or other difficult journeys.  As one friend has said to me, "life should not be this difficult."