What Should Have Been...

I dreaded today from the moment I found out I was miscarrying.  Today was suppose to be joyous and exciting and something we have never experienced.  Today was the day I was to have my first ultrasound.  Last night, I went to bed wishing I could skip today.  I didn't want to deal with any more pain.  But here I am, wondering about what should have been.

To Angel Baby #3-
I should have saw your heartbeat on a screen today
I should have received your very first photo, that would be the start of many.
I should have been happy and excited that everything was going as planned.
I should have been able to celebrate with your daddy.
I should have been able to announce your existence to our close family and friends.
I should have been able to cry happy tears.
I should have been able to plan for your birth date.
I should have been experiencing morning sickness.
I should have been able to wake up and scream to the world, I get to see my little one's precious life today.

Instead here I am, missing you and your siblings more than ever, wondering where you are...

The Wait

The whole trying to conceive process has been nothing but a big long wait.  I wanted to have children right away after my husband and I said "I Do."  My husband wanted to wait at least two years.  Two years came and went and finally at almost three years of marriage we decided to have a family.  Once we started, I thought for sure it would happen in no time.  I was wrong. 


I always thought getting pregnant would be an easy task.  I mean remember how many times we have all been told "don't have sex, you'll get pregnant!"  Ha, I don't think I would have been one of those people.  Apparently for my husband and I, it takes more than a whim and night of passion.  Each month passed, we waited for a positive test, when it didn't come I waited for my new cycle, then we waited for when I would ovulate, then another two weeks of waiting to see if this was the cycle our dreams would come true.


We waited 6 months for that moment the first go around.  When it happened I was in shock but my husband and I were so happy, so naive (that everything would go as planned) and so ready to start all the pregnancy fun.  Unfortunately, another wait, 8 weeks before we could see our little one via ultrasound.  We never made it 8 weeks, only 7 1/2.  One day I started bleeding out of no where, called the Dr. on call and was told to wait to see if the bleeding increased.  It did, and we went in the next day to find out we miscarried.

Another wait was for in store for us, wait until my cycle showed up so we could try again.  It took exactly 4 weeks until that day, and we started the initial trying to conceive waits all over again.

Finally in August, we got another positive pregnancy test.  I notified my Dr. and was told I would need to have my HCG and Progesterone levels checked.  A test that would be need to be completed two to three times every 48 hours.  So more waiting, this go around things happened fast because my numbers did not increased.  In 72 hours, we found out I'd be miscarrying again.

Then came the longest wait of all.  Cycle after cycle passed from August to April.  Absolutely nothing...just waiting.  Waiting for our hopes and dreams.  When we finally got our positive test, I only had to wait till 6 weeks for my first ultra sound, considering my past.  We never made it to that either. 

Currently we are waiting for my HCG levels to decrease. I finally a have my follow up appointment about a week from now, it seems like eternity.  I am scared of what this appointment will bring, more testing, fertility treatments, waiting on test results, and waiting on happiness.

Supporting Friends and Family Through Loss

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is,

but she is not, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Loss is difficult.  As a friend or family member it can be hard to know what to say or do.  I have put together some resources to help friends and family support the ones they love through loss. 

• Be there for your loved one, even when you don't understand.
• Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
• Stick close to your loved one and defend their right to grieve.
• Allow your loved one to make mistakes...or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
• Send flowers.  Send money if you know this would help.
• Send cards.  The message doesn't need to be long, just let them know you haven't forgotten about them.  Send one every few weeks for awhile.
• Call your loved one.  Don't worry about being a bother.  Let them tell you f they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
• Answering machines and email are great ways to keep in touch allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
• Don't try to rush your loved one through their grief.
• Give your loved one permission to grieve in front of you.  Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
• Invite your loved one to attend events together, as you normally would.  Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
• Don't assume if your loved one is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
• Be mindful of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

Helpful Resources:
10 Ways to Support the Person in Your Life who has just Lost a Baby
What you Should (and Shouldn't) Say to Someone who has Lost a Baby
Understanding Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss
Gift Ideas

Cuts like a Knife

Through my journey I have had a lot of love and support, but also I have learned just how insensitive, rude, and downright stupid people can be.  Here are some of the things I have been told, that have driven me over the edge on several occasions, especially when I'm sad, these words have felt like salt being poured into my wounds.










"It happens." - I know it happens, but did I ever think it would happen to me?  Or the third time it has happened does it make me feel better to know miscarriages happen?  NO!  It happens is so short and brief and can make one feel that their family or friend just brushed it off with no regard.  This was my child, my dream, and my hope, "it happens," doesn't begin to explain the feelings I am going through.

"Now you have an angel looking after you." - I don't want an angel (or 3) I want my babies.

"It won't happen again." - Really, I'm on my 3rd go around, it can happen again, all you have to do is look at my situation.  I'm proof.

“It’s for the best or It’s better this way.” - Would you say this to someone who lost a parent or spouse to cancer? What about someone who lost a friend or relative in a car accident? Did those people die because it is somehow better that they did? The loss of this little baby is the loss of a person, and no grieving parent wants to hear that their child died because it’s better this way.

“There was probably something wrong with the baby.” - Because no matter the disease, disorder, or handicap, I still miss my child. I would greatly welcome a special needs baby to my family, I want to become a parent, end of story.

“Better luck next time.” - I'm not joking, this has been said to me.  I don't even really have an response just that some people are plain stupid.

“You’re young you will have another chance.” -  Great you have a crystal ball and can tell the future!  Can you tell me tomorrow's winning lottery numbers too?  There are no guarantees that my next pregnancy will be successful or that because I am young that I will have a healthy pregnancy.

“God wanted it this way.” or “It is God’s will.” - This may be so. And it may be that we live in a fallen world where death and disease are part of it. But words like this make me feel like I should not be sad that I lost my children and I am not allowed to grieve.

Sometimes others just don't understand and don't know what to say to make things better.  To be honest, nothing you say can make the situation better, but there is one statement that lets me know you are here for me and you care it is, "I'm sorry for you loss."  Simple as that.  I understand it may be uncomfortable for people to talk about, hell the whole process and loss is uncomfortable to me, but when people don't acknowledge it or the loss of my babies, it cuts like knife.  Sometimes I feel all alone in this journey and don't know who I can share with.  I am thankful for the ones who have told me they are sorry for my loss and are here for me any time of the day or night.  The flip side of this is, I've only heard this from a few people...grief is difficult, no one wants to go through it, including me.

Tear Soup

Iam so thankful for wonderful women I have met across the country via an online support group for women who are trying to conceive and those who have suffered loss.  These women are my rocks.  They never judge, never question my thoughts or actions, and they are there for me no matter the hour.  I probably don't tell them enough how much they mean to me, but these women are some of best friends, no matter the miles or differences.

One of these friends, sent me a book entitled "Tear Soup," by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen.

Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss is a family story book that centers around an old and somewhat wise woman, Grandy.  Grandy has just suffered a big loss in her life and so she is headed to the kitchen to make a special batch of Tear Soup. To season her soup Grandy adds memories like the good times and the bad times, the silly and the sad times. She does not want to forget even one precious memory of her loss.

As I read the story, it reminded me that everyone grieves their own way and no one can tell you exactly how to heal.  I believe I have many people who care for me, however they don't understand what I am going through.  I think many just want me better and try to rush my healing.  Unfortunately, that only leaves me with scorched Tear Soup, that is boiling over in a mess.  I wanted to share my recipe for my Tear Soup.   Each recipe, just like grieving cannot be rushed by impatience.  

My Tear Soup Ingredients:

Weeks of bitter, salty, and sweet tears

Happiness of our first born child

Nervousness of will this pregnancy stick?

Fear of the unknown

Fear of loss

Tears of Happiness

Tears of Sadness

Hurtful comments

Hurtful actions

Physical pain

Family

Sad songs

Roses from dear friends

Anger

Feelings of an inadequate mother

HCG and Progesterone levels

Nightmares 

Smiles of knowing a secret

Friends

Excitement of announcing the good news

Dread of waiting for results

Thoughtful words and actions from those I love

Relief

Regret

Hope

More tears

Prayers 

Thoughts of what is wrong with me?

Pregnancy tests

Dr. appointments

Bitterness

Sadness

Love

Isolation

Faith

Thoughts of how will I survive?

2 previous miscarriages

If you know someone who is going through a loss (no matter what it is) I strongly encourage you to give them this book.  You may not have the words to make them feel better, but this book just may help them on their difficult journey.  I would like to especially thank "Pez" for sending me this.  Love you!

Baby Dance

I was given the opportunity to share my story in this short documentary, entitled "Baby Dance," by the Amazing Ann Christian.  Please take a moment and listen to these stories, from some very brave women across the country.  I am thankful for the friendships I have formed while battling infertility and pregnancy loss!

Where to Start

There is so much to tell about my journey.  It's almost overwhelming going back to the very beginning and finding a way to share.  I will in time...my own time.  I am fresh off the my third miscarriage.  A pregnancy that I just thought would actually happen and end up to be our "take home baby."  The moment I found out my husband and I were expecting, on Easter I just knew this would be the baby we would meet.  I went the next day to get my HCG and Progesterone levels checked, as this has been a common practice for me each time I get those 2 pink lines.  My numbers were outstanding, the best they have ever been, even better my Dr. told me I could decide if I wanted them retested in 48 hours, but it wouldn't really matter as things were great.

Fast forward a week, I saw the awful red blood that I constantly feared.  That moment I knew it was over, that moment I screamed, I punched the wall, and wailed on the phone as I was telling my husband.  It was a Sunday, I could have called my Dr. but I know what I would be told, "rest and if you are going to miscarry, there is nothing that can be done."  I tried to cling on to some hope, but I had been through this 2 previous times, hope was shattered.  The following day I called my Dr. who happened to be out of town which led to another mess and inconsistencies that gave me hope that I should have never allowed to happen.

As the bleeding and clotting continued, I was told I needed to get my levels rechecked.  I went in for the 2nd blood draw, to find out my numbers were on the high side of the normal range.  This was good but it really didn't matter until I knew where I was 48 hours later.  The bleeding and clotting increased and I called my Dr. the next day.  I was instructed to go in for a 3rd blood draw immediately.  I got the results that evening, as I argued with the receptionist who thought I should be calm and patient until the following day.  I wanted to know what was happening, I wanted to know that moment!  What person really thinks it's okay to tell someone, "I'm sorry, no one will read your results, if you call back tomorrow we can tell you if you are miscarrying or not."  Anyway I got my results that day, my levels had decreased which is an impending sign that miscarriage will happen.

"What the hell happened?" is all I could think.  Everything was good and normal.  Normal, wow that isn't something I had heard for a long while.  And just like that happiness, hopes, and dreams were ripped away for a 3rd time.  A week later, I still have not accepted it and find my brain wandering in all sorts of directions.  I cannot focus on daily activities, I cannot focus on conversations with others, I cannot go a day without bursting in tears, I cannot stop thinking what would it be like if I beat the crap out of someone, and can I please just crawl in to a hole and hide.

I don't know where to go from here...but I do know I have to share my journey.