Insomnia

I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.  Sure there are nights when I am dead tired and I just hit the bed and I'm fast asleep.  But every morning I wake up feeling exhausted.  It doesn't matter if I've had 4 hours of sleep or 10 hours.  Sometimes I think I will escape the sadness and worry in my sleep, but that doesn't happen either.  My dreams are filled with babies, miscarriage, pregnancy, and even taking pregnancy tests.  The trying to conceive journey never shuts off.

I think it's really hard to take care of yourself while you are dealing with infertility and loss.  You become so wrapped up in the process that you forget it includes two people.  Sometimes I look at my husband in pure jealousy and he is in a wonderful slumber and I'm tossing and turning wondering if that cramp could mean I'm pregnant.  I take several supplements and have found taking them at night are the easiest way to avoid not so serious side effects.  I dread heading to bed because that means swallowing at least 15 pills.  It may not sound like a lot but it gets old. 

Insomnia gets old...I often try to remind myself that if I do get a rainbow baby my body will be ready to operate on minimal hours of sleep.  I've been doing this for at least a year and half now and continue to rise in the morning and go to work and function.  Some days (and nights) are worse than others.  I have found lately I just become preoccupied (on purpose) to avoid sleep.  I think the recent dreams I've had make the process of healing even harder. 

So if you know me in real life and have noticed the bags under my eyes, I hope you'll at least offer me some cucumbers to make myself look less like a hot mess.  I'm going to attempt sleep now, if it doesn't happen I'll be back!

My Secret Life

On the outside I look like a happy individual, without a care in the world.  I plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend all is well.  I have noticed 9 times of 10 this hurts me more than it helps me.  I get so angry at people for just dismissing my loss.  It's my own fault really, I want to appear strong, I want to appear as the badass who conquered loss.  So if I play the part others will think I am okay.

In reality, I'm a mess on the inside.  I spend my nights surrounded by online support groups on the internet, researching miscarriage, trying to find inspiration for hope to continue, and my mind if full of trying to conceive, examining symptoms, avoiding hurtful comments and situations, and hiding pregnant women on Facebook. 

My close family and my true friends know the real me though.  They see the pain in my eyes and hear the crack in my voice when the word baby enters a conversation.  Often I am upset that some people are so naive and really think I am okay.  Some people have even used my loss to their advantage.  An example of this is, "I know you really want children and you are so happy when you are around little ones, so we will let you do this and that with our little one to make you feel better."  Okay, none of them say this but it has been implied.  I scream on the inside, "I don't want your child, I want my own," and "why don't you get off your ass and take care of your child?"  On the outside I smile sweetly and do what I can to help. 

Pregnant people really make my skin crawl right now.  This has been festering for awhile now, but after 3 losses I am strong enough to say it out loud.  Maybe not out loud but at least write it in my blog.  I don't want one more baby shower invite!  When these arrive, they sit in unopened envelopes or buried in my junk drawer.  I barely ever open them, this goes for baby announcements too.  When I'm browsing Pinterest and see someone is pinning baby stuff an alarm goes off in my head, preparing myself that in 8-12 weeks there will be a pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  And oh Facebook how I sometimes loathe you.  When I see a pregnancy Facebook announcement it feels like I was in a drive by shooting.  The moment I see that, I hide that person from my newsfeed.  It may sound just plain cruel to many if you haven't experienced this, but trust me this is how I get through day to day.  You tell me how I should I feel, not knowing what I am going through.  I will never forget the anger and rage I felt, as I am miscarrying my third baby, when I get a text from someone announcing their pregnancy.  Really?  I had so many things I wanted to say to that person at that moment.  Instead, I ignored it.  I ignore a lot of things these days and have become really withdrawn in many situations.  Unfortunately, I must fake it well, because people barely notice and think I really want to talk to them about their pregnancies.

I know I am not alone in this secret life.  I know several women who battle these same things daily.  To each of you with your secret life, I commend you for not violently hurting someone! 

Blood Drawn

Well I did it!  I conquered my fear and had the chromosome testing done.  I feel slightly proud of myself for actually going in and doing it.  I had put it off for several weeks, just hoping that it would happen for us.  But of course it didn't...

So as big as my Dr. made this test sound, it really was nothing more than a poke in the arm and one vial of blood.  I was expecting way more, especially with it costing $1000.  Past tests have been way more detailed, like 12 vials of blood at a shot.  I won't have results for 2 weeks, which hey add another item to the wait of this all. 

As I mentioned before, I am beyond terrified of what the results may be.  I have even stopped Googling chromosome abnormalities because in all honesty it scared the living shit out of me.  I feel like I'm a crossroads just waiting for one wrong move that will send this dream of having a family toppling over the edge.  Besides the miscarriages, this is the lowest I have felt for awhile.  I think it's because of the fear of the unknown.  One thing on this test could mean we may never have a child of our own.  I can't believe I'm too this point, I thought it would happen by now. 

Chromosome Testing

Tomorrow I will be tested to see if my eggs have any chromosome abnormalities.  I am very nervous and fearful that this test will show something terrible.  Something so terrible that maybe we won't be able to have a healthy child.  I have been trying to avoid this, however, after another failed cycle, I must go forth.

It takes around 2 weeks for the results.  This may be one of the worst waits throughout this whole journey.  How do you prepare yourself for this, or for the results?  I can't help but prepare myself for the worst.  I think that is something I've been doing for the past year and a half.  I always prepare myself for the worst and have little to no expectations because of what could be.  Unfortunately, it feels that 9 times out of 10 I end up with the worst possible situation. It's hard living life this way. 

I wonder how many other people on this earth live life this way.  It's depressing just to think about.  When will these fears subside and I can turn away from the worst case scenario?  I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon.  If you are the praying type, I ask for prayers of peace and comfort and the same for others going through this journey or other difficult journeys.  As one friend has said to me, "life should not be this difficult."

What Should Have Been...

I dreaded today from the moment I found out I was miscarrying.  Today was suppose to be joyous and exciting and something we have never experienced.  Today was the day I was to have my first ultrasound.  Last night, I went to bed wishing I could skip today.  I didn't want to deal with any more pain.  But here I am, wondering about what should have been.

To Angel Baby #3-
I should have saw your heartbeat on a screen today
I should have received your very first photo, that would be the start of many.
I should have been happy and excited that everything was going as planned.
I should have been able to celebrate with your daddy.
I should have been able to announce your existence to our close family and friends.
I should have been able to cry happy tears.
I should have been able to plan for your birth date.
I should have been experiencing morning sickness.
I should have been able to wake up and scream to the world, I get to see my little one's precious life today.

Instead here I am, missing you and your siblings more than ever, wondering where you are...

The Wait

The whole trying to conceive process has been nothing but a big long wait.  I wanted to have children right away after my husband and I said "I Do."  My husband wanted to wait at least two years.  Two years came and went and finally at almost three years of marriage we decided to have a family.  Once we started, I thought for sure it would happen in no time.  I was wrong. 


I always thought getting pregnant would be an easy task.  I mean remember how many times we have all been told "don't have sex, you'll get pregnant!"  Ha, I don't think I would have been one of those people.  Apparently for my husband and I, it takes more than a whim and night of passion.  Each month passed, we waited for a positive test, when it didn't come I waited for my new cycle, then we waited for when I would ovulate, then another two weeks of waiting to see if this was the cycle our dreams would come true.


We waited 6 months for that moment the first go around.  When it happened I was in shock but my husband and I were so happy, so naive (that everything would go as planned) and so ready to start all the pregnancy fun.  Unfortunately, another wait, 8 weeks before we could see our little one via ultrasound.  We never made it 8 weeks, only 7 1/2.  One day I started bleeding out of no where, called the Dr. on call and was told to wait to see if the bleeding increased.  It did, and we went in the next day to find out we miscarried.

Another wait was for in store for us, wait until my cycle showed up so we could try again.  It took exactly 4 weeks until that day, and we started the initial trying to conceive waits all over again.

Finally in August, we got another positive pregnancy test.  I notified my Dr. and was told I would need to have my HCG and Progesterone levels checked.  A test that would be need to be completed two to three times every 48 hours.  So more waiting, this go around things happened fast because my numbers did not increased.  In 72 hours, we found out I'd be miscarrying again.

Then came the longest wait of all.  Cycle after cycle passed from August to April.  Absolutely nothing...just waiting.  Waiting for our hopes and dreams.  When we finally got our positive test, I only had to wait till 6 weeks for my first ultra sound, considering my past.  We never made it to that either. 

Currently we are waiting for my HCG levels to decrease. I finally a have my follow up appointment about a week from now, it seems like eternity.  I am scared of what this appointment will bring, more testing, fertility treatments, waiting on test results, and waiting on happiness.

Supporting Friends and Family Through Loss

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is,

but she is not, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Loss is difficult.  As a friend or family member it can be hard to know what to say or do.  I have put together some resources to help friends and family support the ones they love through loss. 

• Be there for your loved one, even when you don't understand.
• Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
• Stick close to your loved one and defend their right to grieve.
• Allow your loved one to make mistakes...or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
• Send flowers.  Send money if you know this would help.
• Send cards.  The message doesn't need to be long, just let them know you haven't forgotten about them.  Send one every few weeks for awhile.
• Call your loved one.  Don't worry about being a bother.  Let them tell you f they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
• Answering machines and email are great ways to keep in touch allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
• Don't try to rush your loved one through their grief.
• Give your loved one permission to grieve in front of you.  Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
• Invite your loved one to attend events together, as you normally would.  Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
• Don't assume if your loved one is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
• Be mindful of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

Helpful Resources:
10 Ways to Support the Person in Your Life who has just Lost a Baby
What you Should (and Shouldn't) Say to Someone who has Lost a Baby
Understanding Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss
Gift Ideas